It’s been almost a year since I collapsed and was rushed to A&E following a complete burn-out, physically and mentally, after years of stressing through an unsustainable lifestyle. I was trying to raise three young children while working full-time at a demanding job. Although I loved my work (designing skyscrapers) and my colleagues, my clients and the consultant teams – no work was ever good enough. I often thought I’d better quit this job, but I worried I might cease to exist if I did. Until that day, about a year ago, when my body revolted against my twisted mind, and started turning off my organs.
It would take a few months off work on sick leave to gather the courage to make a life-changing decision. My boss hadn’t got in touch asking how I was doing. As my physical pain started to relieve, it dawned on me what madness I’d been involved in. Without too much thought, I wrote a resignation email and sent it off. The practicalities were resolved quickly by HR and just like that, what had been my life, love and often all that ever mattered to me, was gone. The stressors that had nearly killed me vanished. At least seemingly.
The healing of the mind will take some time. I oscillate between states of euphoria from not having to enter another day in a destructive environment, and a sense of loss – of identity and of having a clear place and purpose in the world. I’m often tired, sighing out the constant processing of the mind, recovering from night tremors, or dodging ghosts lurking in the corners.
“What now”, I’ve asked myself for months on end. The empty patches quickly fill up with other things. But while there are things to do, one moment at a time, just this moment, this day, there are still things that need to go. Patterns of the mind, thoughts that aren’t helpful, that hurt. Keep stripping back, sigh it out, shrug it off. Until all that’s left is where I must start: Loving kindness – in this very moment. Respect and love oneself. Be kind to oneself. So I can love others.
Easier said than done.
Form&Fika 